Bet you didn’t expect that getting a puppy would mean you’d never get to go to the bathroom in peace, huh?
You knew puppies could be hard work, of course. But you didn’t think you were signing up to be held hostage by a tiny feral creature who screams bloody murder when you step out of their sight for two seconds.
Put them in their crate? They freak out. The backyard? They freak out. Leave them loose in the house? That reduces the screaming a little bit but now they’re also pooping on the floor.
You have no idea how you’re supposed to work, shower, hear your own thoughts, or yes, pee in peace ever again.
Yeah. This unexpected phenomenon is one of the biggest sources of distress for puppy parents. It’s right up there with biting, which is saying uhhh a lot.
There’s nothing quite like the shock of suddenly being a prisoner in your own home to make you want to slam the “abort mission, get rid of puppy before they RUIN MY LIFE” button. It can make you feel seriously trapped, or seriously overstimulated from the constant noise.
Does this puppy have separation anxiety?
Is this just my life now??
Am I doing something wrong?
Should I ignore them until they stop?
Will I ruin them forever if I do this wrong???
I got you. We’re going to answer all of these questions today.
I’m also going to rant about how the usual advice for this issue (from “let them cry it out” to “slooooowly desensitize them”) makes dog owners feel like garbage. So make sure you stick around for the juicy bits.
Why do puppies cry so much?
Here’s the good news:
It’s probably not separation anxiety
Understandably, you might assume your puppy has the dreaded separation anxiety. But while that’s possible, it’s not the most likely answer. In the same way that a person who sometimes has trouble focusing doesn’t necessarily have ADHD, crying when left alone doesn’t necessarily mean a puppy has full-blown separation anxiety.
Here’s what I’d bet is really going on: Your puppy is showing normal behavior for a baby animal who just had their whole world thrown upside down.
You’re saying this is normal?
Yep. It would be super weird if Sparky didn’t want to follow you everywhere, frankly. I know it doesn’t get talked about much, but 99% of puppies will act like this.
Why? A few reasons:
For social species like dogs, it’s unusual for defenseless babies to be by themselves. A puppy completely alone is a puppy in danger.
If you got your puppy from a breeder (or a rescue in some cases), there’s a very good chance they’ve never spent ANY time alone. Being alone is totally foreign and scary.
On the opposite end of the spectrum, you might have a puppy from a shelter who was kept by themselves in a kennel for hours at a time. That’s traumatic for any dog, but especially for a dog in the phase of their development where they’re not meant to be alone.
This little dog lost everyone and everything they ever knew, just a few days or weeks ago. Now they live with strangers who are inexplicably sensitive about what they chew on and where they pee.
I think it’s reasonable for them to be a little upset, ya know?
(It’s also reasonable for you to be a little upset. No one ever warns you about this part!)
Getting a puppy is such a normal part of the culture that we don’t usually consider it from this perspective. But when you think about it, what we casually ask of these little “toddlers” is insane.
So… is this a big deal? Do I need to worry?
The short answer is no, not really. It’s not a cause for concern; it’s a normal phase. Most puppies grow out of it one way or another. Call me psychic because I see peaceful bathroom breaks in your future.
That said, the way you handle this stuff does matter. Not because you’re going to ruin your puppy if you do it “wrong” or whatever, but because we want you both to feel better NOW, not just months from now when they finally chill out.
Puppyhood isn’t always rainbows and butterflies, but there should be some joy in it. We can’t have you being on-edge and miserable all the time! If you are, something has to change. We need a way forward that supports both your puppy’s development and your sanity.
And how you respond in this stage can shape your pup’s confidence, resilience, and how safe they feel with you down the line. You don’t have to do it perfectly, but it’s worth finding an approach that builds trust and helps the two of you come out the other side with a strong bond and minimal trauma.
How to get your puppy to stop whining and barking and crying constantly
“How do I get my puppy to be okay being alone” has always been the number one puppy discussion topic among students in our online academy. Through helping all these folks back from the brink, it’s become clear to us that a lot of the messaging around this issue… isn’t great.
This is the part where Jake rants about how the dog training world can make people feel like garbage
Some of the usual advice out there seems to care only about the puppy, leading the humans to run themselves ragged and crack under the pressure of a rigid training plan that doesn’t work in the real world.
And some advice seems to care only about the human. Toss the puppy in the deep end and tell them “tough luck, better get the fuck over it because people can’t be expected to stop living their lives for you. Your generation is too soft, when I was your age I walked to school uphill both ways etc etc.”
How about something in the middle?
How about something that isn’t so mind-numbingly oversimplified?
How about we go nuts and bring some nuance into the conversation?
Not every annoying thing puppies do is a sign that something is broken
I’m sure you’ve been beaten over the head with the idea that if your puppy cries when left alone, you need to immediately “train it out” or risk ruining them for life. But here’s a wild thought:
What if your puppy’s separation distress isn’t a bad habit, but a normal, healthy response to an absolutely crazy stressful situation? What if your job right now isn’t to fix the crying, but to help them feel safe enough that they don’t need to cry?
Let empathy be your guide
Not just in a warm and fuzzy sense (though I mean sure, that too), but as an actual strategy.
Because sometimes we can get a liiiittle too much into our heads about things.
Which is especially understandable when we’ve done endless pre-puppy research and been bombarded on all sides with the “YOU BETTER NOT SCREW UP YOUR PUPPY” messaging from the dog world.
But when you stop obsessing over choosing the right training protocol and just let yourself really imagine what your puppy is going through, suddenly this whole thing becomes a lot more intuitive.
You become more grounded. More present. You stop second-guessing your every move.
So much advice out there, even the “positive” kind, conditions people to override their empathy.
Ignore the crying. Only reward behavior you like. Don’t give in or they’ll learn that crying works. Be consistent. Be strong. Don’t let them manipulate you.
But your puppy isn’t an emotionless treat-operated robot, and they’re not some tiny evil genius trying to trick you.
They’re a baby. A scared, confused, overtired, cranky baby.
Of course they freak out when you go away – their lived experience has taught them that people leave and don’t come back. Everyone in that dog’s life until now has left them, after all.
So I’m giving you permission to be a human being and feel your feelings here. You’re allowed to use your heart, not just your head. Treat them how you’d want to be treated. You can even go nuts and comfort your pup when they cry.
You’re not reinforcing bad behavior, you’re laying the foundation of trust they need to eventually become a confident, independent dog.
“Cool cool cool, that’s beautiful but what the hell am I supposed to do when I need to take a shower or go to work?”
Fair point.
Because no, you can’t be with your puppy 24/7. And no, this approach doesn’t mean giving up all boundaries forever.
What we’re doing is shifting the intention behind the process.
Instead of jumping straight into training them to be quiet when they’re alone, we’re helping them feel okay being alone first.
That distinction matters.
Indulge me real quick:
The Huntsman Spider Method
Imagine walking into your bedroom and seeing a gigantic, dinnerplate-sized huntsman spider on your wall above your bed. You know, one of them nightmare fuel spiders non-Australians make jokes about every time they encounter an Australian.
How would that make you feel?
Well, it shouldn’t be a big deal.
The reality is that you’re completely safe. Huntsmans are harmless to humans.
But somehow I don’t think you’re going to be able to just turn out the light and drift peacefully to sleep.
BEING safe is not the same thing as FEELING safe. Feeling safe is where behavior change happens.
Yes, your puppy is actually safe when they’re alone. You’re not about to go out real quick for a carton of milk and never return. But they don’t feel safe.
This is why we don’t rely on the tough love, get over it, cry it out approach.
Just get over the giant ass spider lurking in the darkness of your bedroom.
You’ll get used to it eventually.
Nah. Let’s get rid of the spider. Or at least let’s put it in a secure tank and stick it in the other room. Now you feel safe(-ish). Now you can sleep.
And maybe now that the spider’s in a secure little tank, you find the intensity of the experience isn’t so bad. You can get used to this. With enough time, you might start to think of the spider as a chill little roommate and give her a name.
(Yeah that might be taking the analogy too far. But you get the idea)
The strategy for getting your freedom back: Prioritize creating a sense of safety and stability
By providing comfort and reassurance, we reduce the intensity of Sparky’s big feelings. Reduce the motivation for the freakouts, and the freakouts reduce, too.
Adjusting to being alone is a skill puppies build over time. It doesn’t need to be a big dramatic Training Project™. It’s more like a new normal you slowly introduce.
And don’t worry about fussing over rewards and punishments. We usually throw in the whole reinforce-the-behavior-you-want thing later. But not yet.
Start with tiny, frequent doses of physical (but not visual) separation
That usually means setting up some sort of gate or pen situation so your puppy can’t follow you everywhere, but they can still see you.
At this point, think training moments, not training sessions. Make it a normal part of life from day one.
For example:
- You step through the puppy gate to grab a drink from the kitchen while they stay in the living room.
- They eat breakfast in a slow feeder bowl while you brush your teeth or throw on a load of laundry.
These moments are short and sweet. 10-30 seconds, maybe a couple minutes max. The goal is not to test your puppy. The goal is to get them thinking: “Huh, sometimes my person leaves the room and it’s not the end of the world.”
Over time, add in visual separation
Briefly walking out of sight and coming back. A few seconds here, a minute there. Still casual. Still low-stakes.
If your puppy cries at this stage, this isn’t the time to wait them out. Just come back. At this point in the process, we’re not waiting for good behavior to reward, we’re building trust.
Eventually, you’ll work up to actually leaving them home alone
Start small. If at all possible, your pup’s first few experiences being home alone shouldn’t be when you go to work all day – they should be short practice runs. Put the pup in her crate with a Kong-type food dispenser and lots of toys, preferably during naptime, so she’ll be more likely to settle and sleep.
Key concept:
You want the vast majority of these experiences to be below threshold, meaning your puppy doesn’t get upset and start crying. That’s how desensitization works. Tiny dose + no big feelings = “Hey, this isn’t so bad.”
If Sparky flips out every time, you’re accidentally sensitizing them instead. “Yep, being alone is definitely as terrible as I thought.”
Shoot for around nine out of ten separation moments being under threshold. If that feels like a daunting task, you’re probably picturing moments that are too big. Remember, most training moments should be tiny. Microscopic, even.
So that’s how the strategy looks on paper. Now let’s talk about real life
You can’t always keep the puppy below threshold.
At some point, you’re gonna have to go to the bathroom. Or your human children are going to start hitting each other with sticks and you’ll have to go deal with that. Or maybe your puppy will be so sensitive that even walking three meters into the kitchen sets them off.
We call these medium moments. Not full-blown panic, but definitely a bit over threshold. Sparky’s barking or whining, but it’s more like “hey, where’d you go? Are you doing something fun without me??”
And that’s okay. We’re not aiming for a perfect desensitization process. It’s not realistic or necessary for most situations.
For actual clinical Separation Anxiety Disorder, yes, you’d need a more strict plan. But for the puppy adjustment period stuff, these medium moments don’t seem to slow progress down. In many cases, they even help. So if you’re dealing with some crying and whining here and there while you handle life, don’t stress.
And, elephant in the room, you might have to go to work or school eventually. Not everyone can stay home with the pup long enough for them to completely adapt to alone time.
Bottom line: there will probably be times when leaving the puppy alone to cry for a while is unavoidable. Just don’t rely on crying it out as a training method.
Real life, part two. Let’s talk about you
Another thing that comes up again and again with our students is the feeling that they can’t do the things that keep them sane anymore.
“I used to go for long walks, but now I can’t because Sparky’s too young for that and he’ll cry if I leave him.”
“I like to ride my bike, but now I feel guilty leaving the house.”
“I need 30 minutes of quiet to not lose my mind, but my puppy won’t let me out of her sight.”
Look.
First of all, you need to take care of yourself. For you. You matter. Kind of a novel concept in the dog world, I know. There’s so much emphasis on keeping our dogs happy and healthy, that you can feel pressured to sacrifice yourself and the things that make you feel like you.
And also, your puppy needs you to take care of yourself. For them. Because they need you capable of showing up with patience and compassion. Somebody has to be the emotionally-regulated grownup in this relationship, and it ain’t gonna be the little fluffball who’s younger than some of the leftovers in your fridge.
If the choice is between:
A puppy who occasionally has to be unhappy but lives with a human who is able to be calm and patient and understanding…
or
A puppy who never experiences a milisecond of separation distress but lives with a human who’s burnt out and hanging by a thread…
We choose option one. Every time.
Option two is where people snap. Where they yell, or use harsh corrections, or end up rehoming their dog. Not because they’re a bad person, but because their nervous system has been fried to a crisp.
So if that means the puppy has to sit in their pen and cry a bit while you go for a walk or sit in your car in the Taco Bell parking lot eating nachos, enjoying a moment of peace?
That’s not selfish, that’s important.
For both of you.
Want some help?
If this grounded, empathetic-but-practical approach resonates with you, we can help you implement it in the Academy. We did a whole workshop on this exact topic, and the recording is available on-demand for members.
The workshop includes:
- A detailed walkthrough of the full process
- Clear timelines and real-life examples so you know what to do and what to expect
- Guidelines about when it’s appropriate to switch your focus to rewarding behavior you like
- Lots of answers to all the common “but what if…” questions
- How to recover if your puppy panics
- How to tell the difference between normal puppy behavior and true separation anxiety
- A flexible approach that protects your puppy’s feelings and your sanity
And bonus, we’re available on our private forums to answer all your not-so-common questions and adapt the strategy to your unique situation.
