Last updated: February 12, 2026
1. Slow your roll
“I’ve had my dog for three whole days, but I don’t love him and he doesn’t love me. What am I doing wrong?”
You’re not doing anything wrong. This is just how it goes.
But I can’t tell you how many times we’ve heard this sentiment from discouraged new dog owners. Can’t blame them – they’re excited and anxious to do everything right.
And so they get a little ahead of themselves. Which is understandable. I mean, so much fuss has been made over the notions that dogs love unconditionally, rescued dogs are immensely grateful to their adopters, they just LIVE to please their masters, etc. So you can be forgiven for assuming that bringing your new dog home should be an immediate unconditional-love-fest.
It doesn’t actually work that way, at least not every time. You adopted a sentient being. You did not walk into the Unconditional Love store and pick up a box of instant Grateful Rescued Dog (New-and-Improved with Added Respect and Adoration!).
Relationships, with dogs or people, are something you develop over time. Establishing and growing an unbreakable bond is a matter of months and years, not days.
See also: Whatever Tomorrow Brings: Important Things to Know Before (and After) You Adopt a Dog
2. Don’t stress about obedience training just yet
Look, training is great. I love training! I’m a literally a professional dog trainer.
But we as a society have got to stop training our new dogs so damn much.
Being adopted, even by a wonderful person such as yourself, is one of the most stressful things a dog will ever go through. Prioritizing obedience commands right now is like kind of like telling a child whose house just burned down to do their math homework.
It’s not that you can’t do any obedience training. But treat it like what it is: one itty bitty slice of the “happy, well-adjusted dog” pie.
Because if Sparky’s been living in a shelter or on the street, bounced from home to home, or even just separated from everything familiar (looking at you too, puppy fresh from the breeder), then by definition a lot of their basic welfare needs have not been met in a while.
Meet those needs and you’ll be shocked how many “behavior problems” start to shrink on their own.
See also: Puppies Aren’t Just “Hard Work:” What No One Tells You Before You Get a Puppy
3. Focus less on the dog’s behavior, and more on yours
When you bring a new dog home, it’s easy to get a little… intense. I certainly did with my first dog.
You want the bond to happen. You want them to trust you. You want them to listen. So without meaning to, you start trying very hard to make all of that happen.
Let me pet you, let me love you. Why don’t you trust me?? Why don’t you listen to me?? How do I change your behavior to make you do these things? How do I control your environment so that I’m the best thing in it?
When actually, I’ve learned the best way to achieve all that is to flip the question around:
How do I BE someone worth trusting? How do I make it easier for them to love me and trust me?
I’m not talking about projecting mysterious alpha energy or making Sparky conform to a list of arbitrary rules, btw. I’m talking about meaningful actions. Including but not limited to the rest of the things on the rest of this list.
4. Give them their own space
Before you can do any of the cool stuff you plan on doing with your new dog, he must feel safe.
An easy way to do that is to give him a place of his own. Somewhere he can just relax by himself and process his new reality. Pick an area that’s out of the way, but where he can still see the activity of the house, like in a corner of the living room.
Make the area comfortable and dog-proofed. A crate is a good option for many dogs, but you can also use a dog bed or an exercise pen. Add blankets and chew toys. When he’s in his “room,” respect his space – don’t let your kids or other pets climb all over him.
5. Let them sleep near you
At least until she gets settled in. This experience is scary for a dog, especially a puppy. Sleeping near her new family will reassure her and drive home the fact that you are, indeed, a family. So either let her sleep in your bedroom or sleep on the couch (or an air mattress) next to her crate/bed.
See also: Help! My Puppy Freaks Out When I Leave the Room. Will I Ever Get My Freedom Back?
6. Let them come to you
This one is hard because we mean well. We want to show our new dog they can trust us, so we get all up in their business. Petting them, leaning over them, trying to hand them treats.
But for many dogs (especially rescues), too much attention and physical contact too soon is really overwhelming.
So instead of forcing closeness, invite it.
Try this:
- sit sideways instead of facing them head-on
- don’t hover or reach over their head
- avoid cornering them for hugs
- if they lean away/walk away from your touch, stop touching
When your dog learns they have a say, they relax. When they know you’ll respect their communication, they trust you more.
See also: What to Do When Your New Dog is Afraid of You
7. Be the provider of good things
One of the fastest ways to start bonding with a new dog is beautifully simple: become a reliable source of things they enjoy. Your presence should start to predict good stuff. Whatever they seem to enjoy: food, walks, relief from pressure, etc.
Speaking of which:
8. Use food
The way to a dog’s heart is through their stomach. Generally speaking.
Some people hesitate to use food in any type of dog training. I used to be deeply skeptical of food-based training, so I get it – wouldn’t that mean my dog only likes me for my snacks?
But think of it this way: humans have been using food to build relationships since the dawn of time.
Bringing a bag of treats on your walks with your dog so you can reward their good choices and build engagement is not all that different from meeting up with friends at a restaurant or taking your kid out for ice cream.
In all of those scenarios, food is the catalyst for connection, but it’s not the sole connection. It’s about having fun together and building a bond.
Read this: Does Food-Based Training Get in the Way of Creating a Real Bond with Your Dog?
9. Learn what your dog loves, and do more of it
As you get to know your dog, you’ll start to discover the things that make her happy. Use those things as a way for you guys to have fun together.
When I adopted my teenage border collie, Merlin, he was pretty neutral about me. He didn’t dislike me, but we weren’t buddies yet. However, he was passionate about chasing Frisbees. That’s all he wanted to do. So I played Frisbee with him all the time. And I used Frisbees as rewards for training. Soon, Merlin decided that I, the thrower of Frisbees, was pretty cool. We became inseparable pals and lived happily ever after.
Sometimes, the things that make your dog happy won’t make you happy:
Digging up the yard, harassing the cat, etc. You can still use those things, you just have to be creative. Make a sandbox for your digger. Play tug, build a flirt pole, or play Frisbee with your cat-chaser. With a little creativity, many annoying behavior problems turn out to be the opposite of a problem.
See also: 12 Ways to Exercise Your Dog Without Walking Them
10. Provide outlets for natural dogly behaviors
One of the greatest gifts you can give your new buddy is the ability to just be a dog. Sniffing, chewing, destroying stuff, digging, rolling in smelly things, etc. These things relieve stress and help dogs unwind.
There’s a good chance they haven’t been able to just be a dog in a long time. They’ve probably even been punished for doing a lot of normal dog hobbies.
See also: How Enrichment Can Help Your Dog Be Happier and Better Behaved
11. Walk together
Instead of just taking him out real quick to do his business or get his 30 minutes of exercise in, take your time. Explore WITH your dog. Let him stop and sniff the flowers. Sometimes you lead the way, sometimes he leads the way. Walking is an easy way to spend quality time together and develop warm fuzzy feelings about each other.
See also: This Is Why Your Puppy Sucks at Going For Walks (And What to Do About It)
12. Comfort your dog when they’re afraid
There are a lot of persistent, messed-up myths about dog behavior out there. One of the most persistent and messed-up myths is the “rule” that you should never comfort a fearful dog. Like if you pet your dog when she gets startled by a loud noise and cowers beside you, you’re only encouraging her to be afraid of loud noises.
This isn’t true. It’s based on a misunderstanding of how animals learn. You can’t reinforce emotions the same way you reinforce behavior.
If your dog is scared, you don’t have to tell him to suck it up and get over it. You’re allowed to reassure him.
See: Training a Behavior vs. Changing an Emotion: What All Dog Owners Need to Know
13. Have fun
I understand the tendency to take this new-dog thing very seriously, especially given all the pressure and fear-mongering in the dog world. It’s easy to lose sight of the magic and end up treating this experience like an endless checklist of Things You Must Do or Else.
It doesn’t have to be this way. You can loosen up a bit. Spend some time with Sparky when you aren’t worrying about teaching him life lessons.
Play with your dog! Play with toys – keep a tug toy on hand for a quick game as a break between training sessions. And play without toys – challenge Sparky to a game of tag or roughhousing. “Play training” builds focus and enthusiasm and is the best way to build a strong relationship between you and your dog. He’ll trust you, and like you, better for it.
See also: Pre-Puppy Jitters: When The Information Overload Starts to Freak You Out
14. Do nothing together
Connection isn’t built only through training or play. A lot of it comes from just… hanging out. Just being there.
Sitting on the floor while your dog chews something. Watching TV with them asleep nearby. Chilling in the backyard while they explore. Patiently waiting for them to finish getting all their social media updates (i.e. sniffing stuff) on your walks instead of hurrying them along.
Being present without asking for interaction teaches your dog that you’re safe to relax around. Which is especially powerful for shy, shutdown, or overwhelmed dogs.
15. Protect your dog and advocate for them (even when it’s awkward)
Nothing builds trust faster than a human who steps in.
We usually think of how dogs protect us. We watch Lassie save Timmy from yet another mishap, we adopt that intimidating-looking shepherd mix to make potential burglers think twice. We buy the Belgian Malinois because it makes us feel like a badass.
With all this, we sometimes forget that our dogs need our protection more than we need theirs – unless we want them using their teeth on friends and family members. Human society is not kind to dogs who stand up for themselves, no matter how justified.
You are your dog’s only advocate and defender. Stand up for her. That means things like:
- Saying no thanks to strangers who want to pet your clearly uncomfortable dog
- Moving away from situations your dog isn’t ready for
- Ending interactions (with people or other dogs) early instead of pushing through because “it’s fine”
- Not letting your kids tease or climb on them
One of the best things I ever did for my fearful dog Jonas was learning to literally step in between him and whatever was frightening him, especially those scary toddlers who wanted to grab his ears. Jonas always visibly relaxed when I did this. This sends your dog a message loud and clear: “Don’t worry. I got this.”
See also: Leave the Light On: A Real-Life Reactive Dog Adoption Story
16. Protect your dog from bad dog trainers, too
Here’s the dirty not-so-little secret about the dog training industry: anyone can call themselves a dog trainer or even a behaviorist. So the quality of the help out there can be, shall we say, varied.
I’m not saying I’m the world’s best dog trainer. Not even close. But damn. There are folks out here charging actual money for their absolutely appalling and embarrassing behavior.
We hear horror stories constantly from new clients: previous encounters with trainers who pin dogs to the ground, yank on leashes, turn e-collars (shock collars) up way too high, mock their distress, make them yelp, or wrap their hands around a puppy’s neck and LITERALLY CHOKE THEM…
While the client stands there feeling uneasy but thinking “well, they’re the expert. It must be okay.”
Nah.
On behalf of my industry, I’m sorry.
Because you’re right, it IS reasonable to expect that the professional you hire doesn’t want to hurt or scare your dog. That should be, like, the barest of bare minimums.
Unfortunately, it’s not.
So if something feels wrong, don’t go along with it. You can intervene, you can say no, you can ask for a different approach (if a trainer’s actually good, they’ll be DELIGHTED by you advocating for your dog, trust me), you can fire the trainer or leave the class and never look back.
17. Learn how to tell what your dog is saying
We spend a lot of time asking our dogs to learn our language. It’s only fair we learn theirs, right?
Besides, dogs communicate constantly (through body language, movement, and behavior) long before they escalate to growling, biting, or shutting down. Learning to notice early signs of stress and uncertainty helps you respond before your dog feels the need to protect themselves.
Take our free course, Dog Speak 101
18. Listen to what your dog is saying
People tend to get pretty offended when their dogs tell them no.
But why? I mean, if you ask a human friend to do something, and she says no, do you take it as a personal insult and worry that she’s trying to dominate you? Probably not – you just figure out the reason. Maybe she’s not feeling well. Maybe she’s busy. Maybe she doesn’t understand what you’re asking. Maybe it’s something that makes her uncomfortable.
Often times, a dog who is anxious and high strung got that way because no one ever listens to him. If he refuses to do something, his trainer either jerks on the leash or waves cookies in his face until he complies. He has no control over what happens to him.
Next time your dog tells you “no, I can’t do that,” figure out why. Maybe something about the situation is scary. Maybe he isn’t feeling well. Maybe he didn’t even hear you. If a dog gets very distracted, your insistent calls or tugs on the leash may literally go unnoticed.
Or maybe he isn’t saying “no,” he’s just saying “hold on a minute.” He might be sniffing a really fascinating tree or playing with his doggy friends, and he doesn’t want to leave yet. If this is the case, there’s lots of training and engagement work you can do. But in the meantime, don’t get offended. Instead, note that it is just something you could work on, and figure out a way to work through the problem with your dog.
See also: Is there hope for your stubborn dog? Why some breeds are harder to train, and the secret to success
19. Figure out what exactly you mean by “respect”
If you’re here because you Googled how to get your dog to trust or love you, you can skip this part. This is for anyone legit concerned that their dog doesn’t respect them enough.
“Respect” is one of those vague wishy-washy words that can mean a million different things.
So we’ve gotta get clear on what we actually want:
- “Come when I call?”
- “Stop play biting me?”
- “Do what I say?”
- “Stop ‘disobeying’ me?”
- “Pay attention to me outside?”
- “Don’t pee on the carpet?”
- “Don’t beg for my dinner?”
- “Stop pulling on leash?”
- “Stop being an out-of-control nightmare puppy?”
Now we’re gettin’ somewhere. We can work with this.
(In case you hadn’t picked up on it yet, the plot twist of this article is that I don’t actually give a single shit if my dogs respect me or not. Do they? Maybe, whatever that means. I just know that when I raise a dog, I never once concern myself with the human concept of respect, and I still end up with dogs who would follow me to the ends of the earth)
See also: Why Your Teenage Dog Kinda Sucks
20. Sort out your own shit
By becoming a dog guardian, you chose the responsibility of ushering this at least mildly-traumatized being into the next chapter of their life.
Meaning, in the nicest way possible, its not about you right now.
Someone’s gotta be the emotionally-regulated grownup in this relationship, and it ain’t gonna be the small animal whose whole life just exploded.
A lot of what we call “bad,” “stubborn,” or “disrespectful” behavior isn’t personal. It’s just:
- stress
- confusion
- lack of practice
- fear
- too much too soon
And most people understand that, logically. But it still triggers some complicated feelings. Sometimes the reason we get upset is because the dog’s behavior pokes at our own baggage – perfectionism, past regrets, fear of judgment, fear of rejection, feeling out of control in other areas of our life, the desire to prove to skeptical friends and family that getting this dog wasn’t a mistake.
That’s human. It’s okay.
But it is our baggage. So don’t make your dog carry it.
Instead, use this a chance to sort out and practice your values. Who do you want to be? How do you want to respond when things are harder than expected, or when progress isn’t easy?
See also: Is Your New Dog Making You Miserable? You’re Not Alone
21. Use positive training methods
Modern training methods are based on setting the dog up for success and showing him exactly how to behave, instead of endlessly correcting bad behavior. As a result, training becomes fun, rather than a chore. Your dog learns that you are a trustworthy person who’s worth listening to.
See also: How We Got This “Stubborn” Teenage Dog to Listen and Come When Called
22. Be present
Connection is not a one-way street. If you want your dog’s respect and attention, you have to give her yours.
When you’re working with your dog, commit 100% of your attention to her. Training sessions are not the time to be worrying about work or figuring out what to eat for dinner. Work on being really, truly present in the moment. Lola will sense if you aren’t really “there” with her, and as a result she won’t be there with you either.
See also: I’ve Tried Everything and My Puppy Still Misbehaves: 9 Surprising Reasons Why Nothing Has Worked
23. Work together
Participate in the ancient tradition of the canine-human working partnership. Later, once Sparky has gotten settled in and the two of you have gotten to know each other a bit, consider taking up a dog sport or hobby. Take an agility class, learn a freestyle routine, learn some Frisbee dog tricks, train as a therapy dog team.
See also: How to Live with a High Energy Dog Without Losing Your Mind
24. Have grand adventures
Lassie and Timmy. Jake and Finn. Old Yeller and… whatever that kid’s name was. Admit it: these are kinds of dog/human relationships you’ve always dreamed of having.
So (eventually, probably not immediately. See my cautionary tale here) take your dog hiking. Or take him to the dog beach or the lake. Go on a picnic, camping trip or road trip.
It doesn’t have to be all nature-y: Hang out at a dog show in the park and make fun of the weird doggy hairstyles. Wander around a pet expo and collect all the free samples you can carry. Go to a fast-food drive-thru and share a box of chicken nuggets. Go be spectators at an agility competition, and tell each other how “pshh, we could TOTALLY do that if we wanted to.”
Do stuff with your dog that’s not about training or fixing behavior problems, but about being together and creating crazy memories.
25. Keep an open mind
Most of us come into the adoption experience with a clear vision of how we want things to go. When it inevitably looks and feels different than expected, we can get really discouraged.
But different doesn’t necessarily mean bad. Just different.
Letting go of the fantasy and meeting the dog in front of you allows a real relationship to form. One based on who they actually are, not who you hoped they’d be. Accepting them for who they are will enrich your life and make you a better person in ways you never imagined.
Bottom line, getting your dog to love, trust, and “respect” you is about being someone who is trustworthy and reliable. Someone Fido can count on to be there when he needs guidance or reassurance. It’s about being fun, having fun, and being someone your dog wants to be with.
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